Be a "Third Sider"-- Be a Teacher

By
Heidi Burgess
Guy M. Burgess

March, 2108

In 2000, William Ury published a book entitled The Third Side, in which he identified ten roles that anyone--insiders to the conflict as well as outsiders--can play to help de-escalate or resolve conflicts.  The second third-side role he identifies is the teacher.

"Sometimes people fight," Ury says, "simply because they know no other way to react when a need is frustrated and a serious difference arises.  By helping people learn new values, perspectives, and skills, we as Teachers can show them a better way to deal with differences."(http://thirdside.williamury.com/teacher/) 

I'd add to that the observation that many people only know one way to fight--using force or coercion (either physical or verbal) which often just makes the other side mad, and hence fight back harder.  By teaching about alternative sources of power--such as exchange power and integrative power--people can learn to "fight," constructively (meaning, in part, without coercion) --which happens to be what our entire Constructive Confrontation Initiative is all about.

Teachers can also teach conflict resolution skills.  In my conflict resolution skills class, I always tell students, "If you only remember two words from this course years from now, remember the words 'listen' and 'respect.'  I go on to explain that simply listening attentively (conflict resolvers call it "active listening") and showing respect for people you disagree with can go a very long way toward de-escalating conflicts.  Sometimes feeling heard is all that is needed! Teaching people that--and showing them how to do it--can greatly help them and others they are in conflicts with.

In his BI essay on educators, Charles Hauss adds that teachers can teach tolerance and critical thinking, and can help people in understand multiple views about difficult conflicts.  Similarly, they can help break down stereotypes and "silos."  When people become involved in a conflict, they tend to tune out people that disagree with them, and listen only to people who reinforce their own views.  This tends to make a person's beliefs increasingly extreme.  Teachers can show how other views are also worth considering, and give students skills to think through their interests, needs, and values, more clearly.  

As is true for all "Third Side" roles, anyone can play a third side teacher. You don't need to be a professional educator; you don't even need to be an adult.  When an elementary-school age student who is trained in playground mediation takes battling second graders aside and helps them work out their dispute without fists or tears, that student is not only being a mediator (another third side role), but also a teacher.  She is showing the second graders that problems can be worked out just by listening and talking--not with fists or angry words.

Anyone else can be a teacher too, just in the course of doing their regular activities.  "[P}arents, peers, community, political, and religious leaders, the mass media, and the entertainment industries," says Hauss in his educators article, can all play the role of teacher.  Indeed, political leaders and the mass media are teaching all the time--unfortunately, not always in a conflict-ameliorating way!

But if you want to make conflicts better, "teacher" is one of the easiest roles to play.  Just listen to people who are in conflict, thereby giving them respect (so you are also acting as a "provider,") but you are also modeling (hence teaching) a valuable conflict management skill.  And ANYONE can do that.  Share what you've learned about the third side; share what else you've learned through this website, or what you know about successfully managing or resolving (or preventing) conflicts with people who need those skills.  That's being a third side teacher!

For more information about these ideas see:

• The BI Knowledge Base essay on Educators
• "Teacher -- Give People Skills to Handle Conflict" by William Ury's on the Third Side Website
• The Third Side: Teacher BI User Guide
• The BI Knowledge Base Essay on Power

HD15 Question for You:  

Have you ever been a third side teacher, helping others learn more effective conflict management skills? What did you do?  How?  How did it work out?  Did you benefit from someone playing that role for you?  What happened?  (Answer below in the comment field, but in order to do that you need to be registered as a MBI Discussant.)